Do you ever

narrate your own life in your head? As if you were writing a book about everything that's happening as it happens? You know like, "I realized that I felt warm, so I got up and turned down the thermostat" or "I didn't know what I wanted for dinner, but I finally pulled out a chicken breast" or "I decided to watch re-runs of Burn Notice instead of Step It Up and Dance". Really exciting stuff, that you make sound exciting in your head as you do it?

I'm not saying that I do that. I'm just wondering if you do.

Forgiveness Follows Failure

That was the title of Max's daily devotional today - and just a thought for you :)

So it's Friday and I am STILL a bit sore from Tuesday's workout with Bryan. Wow. Maybe I need to learn not to work out until it stops hurting. But I have to work out at least 4 times between visits and if I wait two days to heal up then I absolutely have to do every day until then. See what I'm saying? I did a new water aerobics class yesterday - it was ok. Then, brilliant as I am, I decided that I was ready to try a class not in the water. So I went to Zumba tonight. There was some belly dancing, some salsa dancing, and a whole lot of shimmying and hip shaking. It was actually kind of fun, but it kicked my butt. Clearly, I'm not ready for that yet. My heart rate monitor is supposed to keep me in my "moderate" zone, but I spent the entire class well into the "high" zone tonight. Don't know how the sgt. is going to feel about that, but I didn't want to quit. And I didn't - I finished the class! And, on the "good news" front, I burned 1630 calories in just over an hour!

Tonight after Zumba class, I finally went to the Funny Bone comedy club for the first time. Wanda Sykes was performing. She was really really good. I had a great time. (And got to go out like an adult and still be home by 9:30 - all in all an excellent plan)

Today was the end of Teacher Appreciation Week (I have been very much appreciated all week - the parents have been wonderful) and my kids all brought in gifts today. The PTA sent out a survey waaaaay back (as in before "Boot Camp" started) asking us about our favorite things. So for my favorite morning drink, I put Diet Cherry Coke. Which it is. I love it. But I can't have it anymore. I got two 12-packs and a 20-oz bottle today. Also got a bunch of caramels, which I love but can't have. And mucho gift certificates to Bill's Barbeque, which I love but probably is not high in Nutripoints. But that's ok. They were really sweet to do it, and except for one caramel on the way home (ok, two caramels - but that was IT) I've been ok with resisting it so far. I'm giving away the coke and the candy and taking my friends out to Bill's - because it would be ok for me to eat there once. Just not $40 worth of times. :) I also got several nice gift certificates to other places, which will be fun to spend.

I'm exhausted from a busy week and ready to go to bed and sleep late tomorrow!!!! Got to gear up for next week, which is looking crazy busy. 5 more weeks as a Kindergarten teacher....

Sgt. Bryan strikes again!

OH. MY. GOODNESS. I worked out with Bryan yesterday and I am sooooooooo sore today. My abs, butt and thighs are mucho painful. I don't know if it's because I didn't go last week due to being sick, or just because of something extra we did. He said he almost made me do 3 sets of lunges. If we had done that, I don't know that I would have been able to walk today :)

Didn't do as good a job today with the Nutripoints system, but I'm determined that tomorrow will be a better day. It was still better than a day before I was on it, so that's something I suppose.

(Just needed to insert a reminder here that Abby is SO FREAKIN' CUTE! I just happened to glance up at her pictures on my spinning cube above my desk. I don't have as many pics of her here in my bedroom. Out in my living room, it's a different story. My friend Lave walked in one day and said "Speed. It looks like your sister's kid exploded in here." It's true, but she's just so amazing! If you want to see a picture of her, let me know. I'll email you some!)

I had a heard time searching for God's purpose in my children's behavior today. I got an extra half hour of lunch time because of teacher appreciation week, and when I got back the mom who was covering my class went "Oh my God. I could never do this again!" My children were clearly showing their colors for her... I also had to make the dreaded "I've put your child up for child study" call today. Despite the fact that it's tedious and much-legislated, which is hardly ever a good thing, I truly think of child study as a positive process - and a great resource for me and the child. But it's a scary and intimidating thing for a parent to hear and to go through. I try to "be there" for the parents as much as I can, since I'm the one that they know, but nothing can really make hearing that your child is having trouble in school easier. Definitely not a part of my job that I'll miss next year!

So, well there's Sarah's day in a nutshell. Here's the most exciting news I've had in a long time - I have four days on my calendar with nothing written on them! I'm sure that I will find things to do - actually, I hope I will - but wow. It is exciting. Next week, though, is going to be killer. Not much I can do but keep taking it one day at a time. And let God lead me through it.

Not my will, but Thine be done, Lord

Looking for the King

Max's devotion today was about the great Majesty of Jesus and how we needed to look for him at all times. So I spent today looking for him. And, although I have no touching stories about "seeing him in the face of a child" - my children were HORRENDOUS today - reminding myself to seek him did help me gain a little perspective on the day.

I also read another chapter by him (during one of the many times that my children were in time out at school) about how the universe is centered around God, not us. He says that if we could shift our way of thinking to reflect that, then life wouldn't be about God making us happy. Here's my favorite quote:

We'd see our suffering differently. "My pain proves God's absence" would be replaced with "My pain expands God's purpose".

As frustrated as I am with those children, God has a purpose for it. God wants me there. God is using me there. God is growing me there. I prayed about this move and this job, and am convinced that I am in the right place. I have yet to see the reason for it - as short-tempered as I am, I am sure that it does not have to with me helping these children. But God knows it. And today, when those children had their heads down for the 14,000th time because for the 42,000th time they had ignored everything I just asked them to do...I prayed. My prayer was "God give me patience" Tomorrow my prayer should be "God, show me your purpose so that I can further it". I'll try and remember.

Nutripoints Day 1

First off, I think it only fair to mention that while I did mock Julie's choice of men in the previous post, I should point out that I love Jeff (her husband) and think that she did an excellent job in choosing him. That being said - he did sit in a sandbox with a giant sombrero and a margarita.

So Nutripoints was not bad at all today - it was actually one of those days when I would have rather not eaten at all. Cooking is such a pain. No wonder I ate at drive-throughs so often. When you go all day and get home at 8, who wants to cook? But I took a sandwich, an OJ, and some broccoli for lunch today. The goal is to get in 6 servings of veggies, 4 of fruits, 3 of grains, 4 of legumes and/or meats, and 2 of milk/dairy in a day. I end up drinking most of my fruits and veggies which is fine. There is also a point assigned to each food - the higher the points, the better the food is for you (more nutrition per calorie). You are also supposed to hit a certain number of points per day, but right now my goal is to get in all the right servings, while eating only foods with a positive point value. Now potatoes in several forms - including frozen french fries - are on my approved veggie list, but I am trying to get no more than 2 of my veggie servings from potatoes. I know that my "points" are nowhere near where they're supposed to be because I'm mainly eating from the low end of the spectrum - I probably get 50 points a day where you're supposed to get 150. But it's a big change for me anyway. I'll keep working on it.

I didn't go out and buy a devotional book today. When I posted the link to Max Lucado's website, I discovered what a great site it was, including a short daily devotional on the main page. Since money is tight right now, I'm going to use those. It was great to have a specific God-centered thought to think on throughout the day today. Today's devotional was about how God the shepherd searches for each one of us and doesn't give up, no matter how many other Christians there are. There are a ton of other free things to read on there as well. I was too overwhelmed to read much of it.

Tomorrow it's back to see Sgt. Bryan for my workout and meeting with Sue the Life Coach. I was so bad last week (although I legitimately was sick and missed my apt. with Bryan), I'm embarrassed to go back, but I will. It's not going to get any easier!

It's teacher appreciation week this week, so go appreciate some teachers!!!!!

Happy Cuatro de Mayo! (with a C)

I've been thinking that I really shouldn't ONLY post on here when I'm feeling grumpy, which it seems I'm wont to do... I had a great time tonight with my Richmond gang celebrating Cuatro de Mayo in our own special way (yes, we're too old to go out on Monday night for Cinco de Mayo so we had to make up a similar holiday) Here is a sample of the good times that were had:

I think this would also be a good time to post this old-school picture of two guys that my good friend Julie dated in high school:

By the way, the top picture is of Julie's husband. I'm going to let you draw your own conclusions.

I'm ready to give the Nutripoints system a try starting tomorrow. It really wouldn't be fair of me to criticize it so much without giving it a try. So hopefully I will start to see some positive results - and, after all, I am committed to some major lifestyle changes here.

I think I've realized the piece that's been missing in my WLS journey - God. How can I do this without him? That's big *duh* that's been smacking me in the face these past couple of days. So I'm really going to work on seeking His guidance and leaning on Him for making this work. But without an action plan, I'm sunk. So I'm going to find a good book of devotions (simple ones, because that's as much as I can handle :) Max Lucado is a personal favorite) and here's my plan: Read it in the morning at breakfast. *Note - this will involve beginning to eat breakfast! I may have to substitute "read while watching the weather in the morning* Try and think about it during the day to reflect on it. Then at dinnertime, re-read it and think of it in terms of my day. I've always imagined that someday when I was married and had children that we would read a bible story or do some sort of devotion every night after dinner. What made me think I had to wait until I had a family? That's silly. So there's my new resolution. I'm writing it down to make it real :) I'll let you know how it goes...

One more thought - I missed church today to go to a surprise birthday brunch for a good friend in Charlottesville. I happened to catch a great sermon on the radio on "The Five Prayers You Should Pray Every Day" and I wrote them down as I was driving. Here they are:

1. Slay me. (Get rid of the old self, the sinful nature that controlled me before I accepted Christ)
2. Cleanse me. (Take out all of those old sins)
3. Fill me. (with your love, peace, and guidance)
4. Guide me.
   
5. Use me.
   

LSD thoughts

Well, I've been off the dreaded Liver Shrinking Diet for 3 days now, which is awesome! Getting ready to get started with the next phase of my nutrition plan - the Nutripoints system. I'm sooooo not psyched about this. It doesn't work well with what I like to eat (which I know is not healthy things, but still) and involves a lot of cooking, which I rarely do. I'm not happy with my nutritionist, because she doesn't seem terribly willing to be flexible and help me figure out a way to make it work for me. Her two comments were, "Maybe you're not ready for the surgery yet" and "Well, this is the program we do here so this is it". It's not a program that I can do post-op, so I'm feeling pretty negative about it and trying to get past that for right now.

But back to the ever-exciting LSD. Since it was a new idea to have patients do it this far out from surgery to "jump start weight loss and get them motivated", I've been collecting my thoughts. Not that anyone has asked. But I may share them anyway.

Positives:

• I lost 16 pounds in 2 weeks.
• I didn't die. Which is to say that I learned that I can live through it - and that, while I was cranky, I could have fun even when it wasn't centered around food.

Negatives:

• I was very cranky and irritable the entire two weeks, although not really hungry.
• It was inconvenient - I couldn't go out to eat with friends, had to be sure I had my special foods with me wherever I went.
• This far out from surgery I'm not sure I'm comfortable telling everyone, and it makes it hard not to. I didn't really want to just tell half-truths - "It's part of a new diet program I'm doing" or make up stores - "I'm not feeling well", but I did both some. I did end up telling some people that I wasn't ready to tell (co-workers).
• I didn't get to have my surgery at the end of it, and went a little wild food-wise the day after it was over.
• It was hard to be motivated to do it, since jump-starting my weight loss did not seem like a good enough reason to me to be put through this. It did not make me feel motivated. I can understand having to do it to shrink the liver for surgery, but this didn't make much sense to me which made it much more difficult.
• I felt like I was secretly being tested to see if I could do it.
• My nutritionist, who put me on the program, didn't have a complete understanding of what the diet was supposed to be, so for the first week I had to eat that nasty sandwich every night.

So, overall, despite the fact that my jeans are a little bit looser, this was a very negative, discouraging experience for me. And people telling me that other people had harder diets (I don't believe it for a minute - NO ONE else I have ever heard of has to do this for four weeks. And people who have to do all liquids usually only do it for a day or two) or that this was a good thing to get me prepared for surgery only made me more irritated. I'm having a really hard time with the whole thing right now and questioning everything. It's hard planning for something which is so far away. My surgeon's support group meets once a month and I've been to two already and will go to one more before my surgery. Then there's one the day after I have my surgery (I'll still be in the hospital, so won't go) It's hard seeing everyone else losing so much weight when I'm so far out and not really being able to relate to much of what they're saying. On my online message board I see people come in new and have their surgery quickly while I don't get to do that.

So, I'm sorry - I feel like a lot of my posts about this are negative. I've been trying to make all these changes - exercising 5 days a week, giving up diet soda, giving up FOOD for two weeks, now this Nutripoints thing - most of which have been very, very hard and I'm just not feeling better because of it. It's been about 6 weeks since I first started exercising and 4 since I gave up soda and I have yet to feel better. In fact, I feel worse. I'm very much an instant gratification junkie and this is hard. I'm going to try and post positive things next time :)