"Life ain't always beautiful...

...but it's a beautiful ride." So says Gary Allen. And I happen to agree with him. Today, anyway :)

It's been a long time, but I went running today. (I did about 3.5 miles - an average run - and it nearly killed me. Here's some advice - if you exercise regularly, and you should ;), don't stop for a couple of weeks. It's amazing how quickly you lose everything you've gained) While I ran, I listened to my iPod - of course - and did some deep thinking about my life. Here are some of my thoughts:

- They say that God never gives us more than he can handle. Clearly God knows that battling depression and being fat and single are all that I can handle. (He's right, by the way - those things have broken me more than once) Because he has given me so many good things - an amazing family, a career that I enjoy, and more good friends than any one person deserves. Building 429 has a song where they say "I believe always, always our Savior never fails" that I was listening to while I ran. And I believe that, too. Here's the thing about me - I make a lot of bad choices. And I tell God about them. But so often I don't want to ask him to help me stop. I'm perfectly happy making bad choices. So I just tell him - "Hey, God. Here's what I'm doing. And I'm happy about it. So deal with it." It's probably not the best thing to do, but I figure at least I'm talking to him. Not keeping him out of my life. And I figure he is big enough to deal with it.

- I asked my doctor to put me back on Lexapro, an antidepressant. He gave me 4 weeks worth of samples, and I just started the 4th week. I think it's really helping. I think I need to go to counseling as well, and I'm working on getting there.

- Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my surgery. Hard to believe. I can't even begin to list the ways that my life is different than it was last year (although I probably will soon), or to adequately express my appreciation for the support from everyone in my life. I have never had one person say something negative or unsupportive to me. Not one. That is a truly amazing gift. I celebrated by doing something I couldn't have done a year ago - going to King's Dominion and riding roller coasters. I also went to support group, went over to the Masinick's for dinner and cards with the Palmers, then went to karaoke with the WEPC crew, followed by a late-night meal at Waffle House. Altogether a completely amazing day.

- As I told them at support group last night, it's been an up and down year for me with 9 months of hard work and 3 months of complete failure. I'm still working on not grazing and getting my eating back under control. Slowly, slowly, one day at a time....

My family took an awesome trip to Orlando last week to visit my brother and got to go to Sea World and Aquatica (Sea World's water park) while we were there. I love them! Here are some pictures:

The whole family!

We helped William move. Abby cleaned and Brian moved boxes...


Sea World!

Shamu

Abby LOVED the dolphins


Bruce thought it would be funny if I pretended to be too short to ride the roller coaster

The two cutest kids at Sea World eating lunch

Sisters posing with Shamu :)

Abby had fun at Aquatica, too!


Back at the hotel, Abby wanted to go swimming every day



The luckiest and happiest aunt and uncle in the world!

The Nash siblings!

I can't believe it....

I had a stunning revelation tonight.

I like to exercise.

I do. I've missed running last week. I went to Body Pump and Zumba tonight. (I've posted about Zumba twice before - once pre-op and once post-op. I'm sure I've posted about Body Pump, too. But tonight it's about the Zumba) Zumba was so much fun! And I realized how much better I am at it now. I mean, I was jumping and bouncing while dancing. I distinctly remember doing it before and barely being able to make it through - seeing other people jumping and wondering why they weren't dead. Now I know. They're just not enormously fat like I was :)

It made me happy.

Today

What a loooooong day. This waiting for Brian's surgery is hard.

So my landlords royally ticked me off today. Royally. I was as rude to them as I have ever been (intentionally) to anyone. Anyway. It's been pouring down rain for ages and ages and ages. I was so frustrated that I went running. In the rain. For 4 miles. It helped somewhat.

Then I realized - wow. I didn't want to nap. I didn't want to eat. I wanted to run. When did that happen? When did I become one of "those" people? I never ever ever in a million years thought that I would. I love sleeping - and eating - too much. But it was the right thing for me today. Although I'm not sure that it would have been as satisfying if it had been sunny.

I also went bathing suit shopping today - *blech* That's never fun. Even after losing 140 pounds. It was actually harder, I think. Before there was no expectation of looking good. It was "find one that fits and covers a lot and just go with it" But now....there's still a lot to cover and I'm not "looking good". It's just hard. But I got one that I ordered from Land's End that I think I'll keep and I'll keep looking for a second one. I love love love to swim, so I'm not going to let the fact that I look ridiculous in a bathing suit stop me :)

I also bought a cute little summer halter dress - at Express, no less. We'll see if it makes it to the "keep" pile. I'm loving summer dresses right now!

I did it! :)

So I did it. I finished the Monument Ave. 10k! I finished it and I ran the whole time, which were my two big goals. My secret goal was to finish in under 70 minutes - I finished in 70 min exactly. So 1 second faster.....But that's ok. I finished 14,527 out of 26,242 finishers. I was surprised at how hard it was, but I'm glad I did it. I'm actually doing another one this Saturday - the bridge run in Charleston. I'll be down there for Spring Break anyway and my brother-in-law was doing it, so I said I'd do it with him. I figure if I run 10ks 2 weekends in a row I can then justify taking my spring break week off from running :) I'm not sure what I'll do after that...still thinking about it.

The Monument Ave. 10k also has a costume contest and my friends won it! I was so excited for them! Their Ms. Pac-Man costume was awesome.

2.5 days to go until Spring Break....I can't wait....

P.S. Yes, I realize it has been almost a month since I posted. I apologize. I'll just say that this whole WLS journey has been like a roller coaster - up, down, up, down. This has been a down time. I will post about it at some point - you know how I believe in putting it all out there for others to see :) - but I'm just not quite ready to do that yet. So I've been avoiding it.

WLS FAQ/C

Before I start in on yet another fascinating post, I have two tidbits to share:

1. It has been a year since I started this blog! Crazy.
2. I have found a use for my rolls of stomach fat. When I'm at the gym using the weight machines, I like to listen to my iPod. It's hard finding a place to put it while I'm working, and it falls off of my lap pretty easily. So I tuck it up under my stomach fat and it stays put. Nice.

I thought I would post a WLS FAQ /C (Frequently Asked Questions/Comments, for those of you not "in the know) to share with everyone the things that people say to me most often since my surgery as well as my response. I don't mind answering the questions at all - you know how much I talk about my surgery! Still, here it is for those of you who want to know - what people say, my thoughts, and if you should say it to someone who has had WLS:

You look great!

My reaction/thoughts - This is, by far, the comment I get the most. (Yes, I realize how snotty I sound saying that. I apologize, but I wanted to share my reaction to it) Mostly, I just smile and say "Thanks". I don't volunteer up information about my surgery or how much I've lost. Some people will ask, and I'm happy to share. I just don't want people to have to sit and listen to me talk about it if they don't want to know. I have two opposite reactions to this, so it's like a Catch-22. Mostly I'm flattered and I think that it's always nice to hear that. But sometimes I get to thinking, "You don't go around telling people who have always been skinny that they look great. Maybe the fact that you're commenting on it now is more of a reflection on how bad I looked before." But at the same time, if people didn't say anything, I think I would be sad, too. So basically there's no making me happy.

Should you say it? Heck yeah you should.

How do you feel?/Do you feel better?/Do you have more energy?

My reaction/thoughts - This question comes in a lot of forms, as you can see. Physically, I actually feel much the same as I did before surgery, except when it comes to exercise. I can tell a huge difference in how much I'm able to exercise. (Hello?!?! I ran 6.5 miles the other day!) Emotionally is a whole different story, but I don't think that's the point of this question. Usually I just respond with "I feel good" although sometimes I will mention the exercise thing.

Should you say it? Sure, if you really want to know more about the person's WLS experience. It's likely to bring on a whole lot of info.

Do people treat you differently?

My reaction/thoughts - Yes and no. This is a tough one for me. Yes, people definitely treat me differently. But I'm so different that it's hard to say if the change is really in me or in the way people react to me. I was relatively outgoing before, but now I feel so much more confident. Before, I would talk to people but always felt like they didn't really want to be talking to me. I was trying to get out of their way so they could hang out with people they really wanted to talk to. Now, I am much more willing to just carry on a conversation or put myself out there - meet up with new people or whatever. Does that make any sense at all?

Should you say it? Well, it doesn't offend me (but not much does). Some people are baffled by the question, although it makes a lot of sense to me. I guess I would say - if you really want to know, go ahead. Or if it's someone who has been pretty open about their experiences. It's not something I would ask someone who doesn't like to talk about, because it can be a pretty sensitive area.

How much have you lost?

My reaction/thoughts - To date, 133 pounds. I have about 25 pounds to go before I'm considered a "normal" weight. I recently hit the "overweight" category, which was exciting for me. (I went from "super obese" to "morbidly obese" to "obese" and now to "overweight") I don't give all that info when people ask - I just give the number :) I love it when people ask me this question b/c I love to tell people but feel weird about just volunteering the information. I can understand how some people would feel weird about asking it, though.

Should you ask it? I would say yes. Most WLS patients I've met are happy to share their successes. However, again, a few may be uncomfortable with it. But I would bet most are prepared for it and if they don't want to answer have something ready like "Just about enough for now". So go ahead. Ask away.

I feel so bad for you not getting to eat!

My reaction/thoughts - Another one that comes in many interesting variations. My reaction is always the same - "Don't!" It's hard to explain, but eating is very different post-op. I'm perfectly happy with what I get to eat. It seems normal to me. I don't feel bad for me, so why should you?

Should you say it? Nah. Why bother? It doesn't bother me, unless people keep harping on it. (Although the girls at lunch tease me about my little meals a lot, but that's all in fun and doesn't bother me at all) But not everyone has as thick a skin as I do :)

What made you decide to do this?

My reaction/thoughts - Well, because I was fat. I looked into it and researched it for a long time before I even considered doing it. I don't have a big "epiphany" story. I never quite know how to answer this one.

Should you ask it? If you are considering having the surgery and don't know if you're ready, maybe. If not, probably not. The answer is going to be "to get healthy" even if it's really "to help me meet boys", know what I mean?

My sister/neighbor/friend/this guy I went to high school with's third cousin had that!.......

My reaction/thoughts - Ok. Thanks. I usually say, "How are they doing?" but I hate it because I always feel like I'm being compared to whoever it is and they're doing better than me. Or they'll bust out some story about all the complications that person had and I either feel guilty for not having any or worried. Still - it's very well intentioned. People are just trying to relate to you. Which is hard for people without weight problems.

Should you say it? Welllll.... I mean, are you just trying to fill a conversational vacuum here? I tend to think that comparing people's experiences is a bad idea. On the other hand, it's not offensive or anything. And it's hard not to say. :)

I know this has been a long one. A couple of last thoughts for you:

• I personally do not care when anyone says any of these things to me. You can ask me whatever you want and I will be fine with it. But I have a big mouth. Not everyone feels that way, I'm sure :)
• There are people who get a lot of negative comments. I am so blessed to have great people in my life - I've never gotten a negative comment. Never. The closest I've gotten was "that's scary" or "are you nervous?" That's why there are no negative comments on my list. But if there were beside Should you say it? I would put NO. Because how is that helpful or encouraging, especially to someone who's already done it?

Ok I'm off to enjoy the rest of my snow day - my 2nd in a row, with a 3rd coming up tomorrow! Have fun y'all!

Ready for a break

Hello. Am alive.

(I just read a book narrated by 4 characters with 4 different voices. One spoke like that - with no subjects in her sentences. It was weird. Also, eventually the 4 characters interacted and when she was narrating, they all spoke like that. But when someone else was narrating, they spoke normally. Not sure what this literary technique is called. Also not sure I like it.)

February has been a crazy busy month for me. The last week has arrived with blessedly little to do on the calendar, and I'm really looking forward to a low key week/weekend. I like being busy and have enjoyed most of the business of the past month or so. And I won't be upset if things come up this week. But still. Some down time is always nice.

I keep thinking that I need to be posting - I really want to have a record of my whole WLS journey. I just don't think that I really have anything to say. Things are just moving along.... I'm down about 130 pounds currently. I did buy a pair of size 12 jeans at Wal Mart the other day. They are probably the only pair of size 12s in the world that fit me, but still...there's one. I'm torn between being excited about this and desperate to hit a single digit size. Crazy, I know. I don't know which is more amazing - the fact that I ran 5 miles today or the fact that I no longer find that blogworthy.

Bad eating habits are starting to creep back in - grazing, "needing" something sweet because I'm so grumpy, etc. Not as bad as they were before, but they are things that I need to address NOW. It's hard for me because even with that, the weight is still coming off. It's hard to remember that won't always be the case. So that's my current struggle.

I promise I'll work on thinking of something interesting to say before I post again....

Happy Valentine's Day!

A few of my kids brought me Valentine's treats today, which was sweet. This one made me smile all day:


I've never really been pro or anti Valentine's. Sad, usually, that I'm alone, but altogether rather ambivalent on the topic. While we're on the subject, I should tell you that after 30 years of no one ever wanting to date me - and me not being willing to even if they had wanted to b/c I was so embarrassed by my weight - I am completely clueless when it comes to anything to do with dating. Anything at all. It's sad. I'm basically a 31 year old middle school girl.

Not that anyone is asking me out. I'm just saying. ;)

The beautiful weather has continued, I've run my 4 miles for the day, I have a party to go to tonight (an "Anti-Valentines" party no less), and Kay is bringing the kids to Lynchburg tomorrow. I'm a pretty happy girl right now!

6 month "nut" follow up

I'm supposed to meet with Pam, my nutritionist - or nut as refer to them in WLS-land - at the same intervals I follow up with Dr. Elliot. That is 1, 3, 6, 9, and 12 months or something like that. So my 6 month appointment came at 7 months and a week...that's close right? And isn't there something about close counting when it comes to horshoes and hand grenades? Julie?

Anyway. The point is - I met with Pam. One thing I wanted to talk to her about was how to eat while I'm in training. (Let me point out here that I LOVE to say that I'm "in training" and bring up being in training and/or running as frequently as possible. Much more often than I actually "train".) I've read a lot about eating just before and after runs and wasn't sure how that applied to me as a post-op. Well, as it turns out, she gave me pretty much exactly the same advice as I had heard other places: carbs before, carbs and protein afterwards. We talked about some good choices for me to make at those times. I also admitted to her (as I am here, to you, now) that I have gotten into a bad habit of grazing and I'm worried about that. Pam whipped out her little calculator and figured out that I'm burning about 2,000 extra calories a week with my running. (Can I just stop here and say WOW?!?!) So she said, "You're probably hungry" Hmmmm.... who would've thought???

So that was mostly what we talked about. She was pleased overall with my progress.

Have I mentioned that I broke my scale? Yes, 125 pounds ago I stood on that thing no problem. NOW it decides to crack on me??? So I don't actually know if I've lost any more weight. I feel like I have, though, because my clothes are getting looser. Getting a new scale is on my list...

It's definitely off to bed for me tonight!

A dream come true!

I've talked before about how much I love really old movie outfits. Well, this weekend I went to a movie character themed birthday party, and I rented a dress and went as Guinevere. (You know? From Camelot? She was a bit of a tramp but the greatest, most idyllic kingdom ever was destroyed because of her?) It was sooooo exciting for me. I love being Guinevere. I want to be her every day. Here are some pics:

The outfit

The hairdo

Not only did I love being Guinevere, but it's amazing to me to be able to wear a costume at all. When I was fat, I could never have found an awesome outfit like this. In fact, I probably wouldn't have been willing to even go to this party. It's so strange how so, so much about my life is different now.

In running news, I've decided to scale back my training a bit. I was using the Y training schedule, but I was combining the novice and intermediate training schedules a bit. So I'm going to stick from now on just to the novice schedule. Although I can do the longer runs from the intermediate schedule, I think I'm running more often now then I was before which is making it more difficult. So I'm going to try and be ok with taking it slowly and setting more realistic expectations for myself, which can be frustrating to me.

One more note - I'm working on setting up a second blog where I'm copying all of my posts about WLS. That way if you don't know me and don't care about all of the other nonsense in my life, but are interested in hearing about my WLS journey I can send you there. I'm telling you this now so that I get motivated to finish it and get it up and running :)

Overestimating my running abilities

So this morning was a 3 mile group run with the training program. Let me first mention that two days ago I ran five miles - FIVE MILES - around my apt. complex. I was so excited and proud :)

This morning's 3 mile run nearly killed me. I mean, it was bad. I was slow, I felt yucky, I didn't think I was going to make it. I don't know if it's because it was so cold or I was running in the morning instead of afternoon like I usually do, or if I just felt worse about it b/c I could see how many people were running faster than me. But it made me, truly for the first time, doubt my ability to do this race. I know that I have 2 months to go. And, truly, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to do anything close to what I'm doing considering where I was a year ago. But you know my family motto - "Good enough is never good enough".

*Ugh* LIFE. Why does it have to be so complicated?!?!

Is this day over yet?

So it hasn't been a good day. But that happens. And at the end of it, I get to go to bed!

Honestly, my school is like a soap opera there's so much drama there. I think that's true at all schools. Is it true at other workplaces as well? I tend to think it's more true in schools because it's all women, but I could be wrong...

So yesterday I ran 4.5 miles around my complex. No problem. Kept at about a 12:00 mile, which is my estimated pace for the race. I ran on the treadmill tonight - just for 30 minutes, but I increased my speed slowly to faster than I've done before. (That's what was on the training schedule for today) No problem. (And when I say no problem, please translate that as "I didn't die") Then I got off the treadmill and started walking across the gym - I was headed upstairs to do some weights. Suddenly EXCRUCIATING pain hits my knee. Out of the blue. I didn't cry (inside the gym), but it was tough. I couldn't bend my knee and I could barely, barely walk. I slowly, slowly, slowly hobbled out through the sleet to my car. By the time I got home, the pain had lessened, but not gone away. Although my knee has been giving me some problems, this kind of pain has only happened once before. I've bought a brace and I'm wearing it now. I think I'm going to have to go see someone about this knee issue, but I have no idea who to go see about it. I think I'll ask a trainer either at the gym or at my training run on Sat.

So here's the conversation I had with a 5th grader today. It's quality. Deja has decided that my desk needs to be cleaned off (she's right), so she's done it for me. Now she's updating my pictures of Abby and Brian

Deja: "Oh, I thought these were your kids"
Me: "No, they're my sister's"
Deja: "Why don't you have any kids?"
Me: "Well, I don't have a husband."
Deja: "You don't need a husband to have a baby!"
Me: "Well, yes. I do."
Deja: " No, you don't"
Me: "Well, I do. Having a baby is a lot of work (Deja interjects: "No, it's not") and I want a partner to help me with it."
Deja: "Why don't you just get your boyfriend to help you?"
Me: "I don't have a boyfriend."
Deja: "Why not? All you have to do is go on match.com!"
Me: "Oh, I didn't realize that's how it worked."
Deja: "Yeah. Let me finish your desk, then I'll go on for you and get you a boyfriend."

Man, it's good to have Deja around.

Being 31 - ahhhh!

I am not and will not do a sappy reflection on how different my 31st birthday was from my 30th. Because that's just not how I roll. But I will say this - I know I'm different than I was last year, and I got more love and attention for my birthday yesterday than I would have thought possible. I'm clearly in a different place with the people around me, especially at work. To be completely honest with you, it was a bit overwhelming. I'm not terribly shy but I think I'm glad birthdays only come once a year :)

I also decided that since it was my birthday I could eat whatever I wanted all day long. And I did. MISTAKE, Sarah. I'm not going to go into what I ate - because I'm embarassed, and because that's not what I do, and a lot because I don't want to be reprimanded - but I ate basically throughout the day. I didn't get sick or dump or anything, but I did feel generally yucky. And it didn't really help me enjoy my birthday. NOTE TO SELF: Find other ways to celebrate your birthday. :)

So this morning was my first run in the YMCA 10k training program. (They ran last week, but I was in Charleston. Luckily for me, too, because apparently it was 7 degrees last week. SEVEN. This week it was 52. Much more acceptable) We did 2.5 miles today and I did fine, although my knee was bothering me some at the end. I stayed somewhere in the middle of the huge group (there were like 200 people there!). I definitely got passed a lot, but I passed some people, too - mostly walkers. :) They put us into groups based on our projected finish time. I signed up for a wave that finishes in about 70-75 minutes - about a 12:00 mile. That was the fastest group at the training this morning, which is scary. (I'm signed up for the novice runner group - there are some run/walkers - there's also a walkers group and an intermediate group) I hope I'm not in over my head here. I definitely felt like the fat girl that everyone was looking at going, "Seriously? What is she thinking?" It may not be true, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that way!

I also picked up my schedule for the next 9 weeks and surprisingly enough, the most it ever has us running in training is 6 miles, which it only has us do once two weeks before the race. Then it backs the mileage down until the day of the race, which is 6.2 miles. Does this strike anyone else as odd?

Today my friend Laura is coming and we're going to visit Julie and her new baby. Yay! I have been out-of-control busy the last week and a half and have completely neglected my poor BFF, the new mom. Hopefully she'll forgive me and I'll be able to make it up to her.

I'm off to clean up a bit and NAP. That's my most exciting plan for the day. I hope you get one, too!

10k

Ok, I'm officially signed up for the race.  Keep me in your prayers because I'm going to need them!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABBY!!!!!! My favorite girl in the whole world turned 2 today.  I'm in Charleston now (I got here after she went to bed) so we can celebrate tomorrow.  With a Thomas party.  Then Sunday my favorite little boy is getting baptized.  Big weekend all around.

STAY WARM EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

New shoe update

So this afternoon I laced up my new shoes and did 4 miles on the treadmill at the gym (which nearly killed me, by the way) And NO KNEE PAIN! And not even any blisters - even though I forgot to put band aids on the old ones!!!!

I'm super super excited about this development. Yay running shoes! And Roadrunner! And the girl who helped me whose name I don't know! And Clark for giving me Christmas money to buy them! And Lisa's friend Christina who was at dinner with some friends the other night and suggested I needed good shoes to help the knee pain!

So I'm dangerously close to signing up for this 10k now. Terrifying. No way could I do 6.2 miles right now but I have time to train, right?