Read this.

It's good.

Conquering Old Rag

Some friends from church wanted to go hiking for Memorial Day, so I decided to go with them. I haven't hiked since I lost the weight (I had a disastrous fat hiking experience with my family several years back....), but I figured I could handle it. Then I found out they were hiking Old Rag. I looked it up and it was described as "strenuous" and "very challenging" including a "one mile rock scramble"

*gulp*

I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to keep up, but I was determined to try so I went on.

It. Was. Awesome.

So fun. The first two miles headed steeply up a narrow mountain path. Well before the first mile was over I looked like someone at poured a bucket of water in my head. (I sweat a disgustingly large amount. I need to look into that at some point) The side of my foot was hurting and I could feel blisters developing, but I was keeping up. (It was the same pain I got one other time. I've decided that I must walk differently in shorts and that's what causes it) At our first rest, I put some band aids on my heels and we started up again. The toe stopped hurting, but the blisters got worse throughout the trip. Oh, well.

After those two miles, the last mile up was basically rock climbing. Huge piles of boulders that we had to climb up, slide down, squeeze through, jump over, and basically meander our way through. It was tough but really fun. It helped being with a group because we could help each other through. We stopped frequently to admire the view. When we finally got to the top, it was amazing. We hung out for a while, ate some lunch, battled some flies, and headed back down. The way back down was longer - 4.5 miles - but not nearly as interesting. Most of it was a fire road, so it was an easy walk. We booked it back down, playing the name game to keep ourselves entertained.

All in all, we were hiking for about 5.5 hours. We were disgustingly dirty and sweaty and exhausted. I had a MAJOR blister on my right heel and fairly significant one on my left. We left and collapsed into an IHOP where we devoured dinner.

At one point on the way up, one of my friends asked, "Could you have done this a year ago?" and my answer was a quick "HELL no!" But it's not even no. It was so far out of the realm of possibility that it wouldn't even have been fathomable. I mean, this was a HARD hike. And not just the hike, but the rock climbing....there were places I had to squeeze through that I wouldn't have even fit last year.

So I'm flying high off of this and will be for a while. The fun you can have when you're not fat! Who knew?

Church today

One of the things I love about my church is that we sing a lot of praise and worship songs. (The singing is always my favorite part of any church service!) We have a "worship team" (read: band) that leads us and the words are projected up on two big screens at the front of the church. It's all very modern ;), but I love the music. Today, however, we sang two more traditional hymns. The first one's lyrics really spoke to me:

'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

Trusting in Jesus is something I need to do a LOT more of in my life.

The second one was "Crown Him With Many Crowns " which I remember singing in church growing up. The band didn't play much - there was just a piano. (Ok, it was a keyboard on the piano setting, but it sounded like a piano) I could have been in my grandparent's tiny little church in McDowell where there are usually between 10-30 people on Sunday morning or my parent's bigger, yet still very traditional church. I loved the song and singing it made me feel connected to other Christians everywhere. It reminded me that no matter how we choose to worship, we all love and are loved by the same God. I need to remember that more often.

Getting knocked down a peg....or two

So......
You know how I told you Dr. Elliot wanted me to come and speak at his seminar? And I made my little picture book and put my contact information and blog address in it in case people wanted to talk to me? Because, really. How could anyone even CONSIDER wls without hearing my story? Aren't people as eager to hear my story as I am to tell it?

I got a message Friday telling me that Dr. E. wanted me to come speak on Monday at 6. So I left a message at the office telling them that was fine and I would just go to the classroom at 6 on Monday. If they needed to talk to me about it, I left my cell #. I didn't hear from them, so I went on. Turns out the class was at 5 and they just wanted someone to speak at the end - which actually I appreciate because I didn't need to sit through that whole seminar. So I slipped in and listened to the end of Dr. Elliot's spiel. Then he said that he would answer a few questions and then have one of his "star patients" come up to answer questions (CLUE #1). So after a few minutes, he puts up a picture of some woman I don't know (CLUE #2) and asks "Sandra" to come up (CLUE #3). Still, I think he means me and I'm about to correct him and tell him my name is actually Sarah....when some other chick walks up there.

So yeah. They didn't want me after all. (Although I would like to point out that I've lost more weight than this chick. Not that it's a competition. Or that she had as much to lose as me.) This girl gave all the right answers to Dr. E's questions, whereas mine would not have been so "right". (For instance, he asked "Do you get hungry?" and she said, "No" Ummmm, really? You never get hungry? In over a year? Well, I do.) So it's probably best that she went and not me. I tend to say the wrong things. I'm not sure that Dr. Elliot even knew who I was or that I was there to tell you the truth.

That's what happens when you start thinking you're important. God shows you otherwise. I was pretty upset and embarrassed - more than the situation warranted. Because I was way too full of pride. Thanks, God. I guess.

P.S. - I ran 5.5 miles today. I haven't run that far in a long time and I am SORE!!!

Welcome to Fair Oaks!

I just had this conversation with a 5th grader.
A FIFTH GRADER.

C: "Where you was?"
Me: "Let's try that question again."
"Oh, sorry. Where you were?"
"No, honey. Try again."
"Oh. Where was you?"
"Still not it sweetie"
"Oh. Where you went?"
"Let's try Where were you?"
"Oh, ok. Where were you?"

I love my job....

My journey in pictures

Dr. Elliot, my surgeon, has informational seminars for patients who are thinking about having WLS. It's a fairly standard practice, and that's what anyone who is interested in having it has to do as a first step. We recently got an email from the guy who leads our support group saying that they were looking for post-op patients who would be willing to come and speak at the seminars just to share their story. I told them that I would be happy to (because you know how much I like to talk about my surgery!). I didn't think they would really ask me, though, because 1. I say everything I think and it's not always the "right thing" and 2. I had gastric bypass and most of Dr. E's patients have Lap-Band. Well, I got a call on Friday asking me to come speak at the seminar on Monday. I'm a little nervous about it. Anyway, that leads me to...

I've been taking pictures of my weight loss all along and saving them on the computer. I kept meaning to put them together in an album but hadn't gotten around to it. So this was my motivation to get it done. That was today's project, and it was fun. I put my pictures in an album with little notes saying the date and how much weight I'd loss. Now, for those of you who don't see me regularly, here is the digital version:

August 3, 2007
1 year pre-op

March 28, 2008
294 lbs.
My "before" picture

July 1, 2008
Day before surgery
-27 lbs.


August 12, 2008
-59 lbs.



Sept. 2, 2008
-71 lbs.


Oct. 9, 2008
-89 lbs.


Nov. 2008
Celebrating 100 lbs. lost!


Nov. 15, 2008
-104 lbs.

Dec. 27, 2008
-110 lbs.

Jan. 7, 2009
-121 lbs.

Jan. 31, 2009
Costume party!
(not something I would have done pre-op!)

March 5, 2009
-134 lbs.


March 28, 2009
My first race!
10k (6.2 miles) in 70 minutes



Current pic. - early May 2009
-140 lbs.

Thanks for indulging me!

Bad Orange Juice!

So orange juice is not something I'm really supposed to have - my dr. doesn't like me drinking anything with calories and it has a good amount of sugar, although it's natural sugars which are a little different.  But my nut has said that I can have a little every now and then - in fact it's one of the things she suggested I have after a run.  She did suggest that I dilute it and I do sometimes.

But this morning - I woke up (still in Charleston!) and I was thirsty and I just did NOT want Kool Aid.  So I had a little bit of OJ.  Oh. My.  Goodness.  I haven't "dumped" in a long time, but I sure did this morning. Let me tell you - it's no fun.  Sweating, chills....I've been trying to think of a way to describe how my stomach feels.  Angry beavers clawing and chewing at it? Elephants stomping on it? A bulldozer tearing it up and leveling it back down? *ugh*  I actually don't "dump" that much.  I think my stomach is just really sensitive first thing in the morning.  I need to remember that.

I broke in my new bathing suit by taking Abby to the beach this weekend.  Interestingly, I didn't feel any better or more confident than I did when I was fat.  I mean - it was fine.  Just not different.  I will not be showing you a picture of me in the suit ;) - but here is the suit:

(It has a blue skirt that matches it, but I couldn't get that picture to work.  Just picture a blue skirt)

Ok, off to play with sweet Abby!

Sweet baby Brian!

So Brian had his surgery yesterday - the day before he turned 8 months old, he had open heart surgery to repair a VSD, or hole in his heart. It's been a stressful week, with another stressful week of him in the hospital ahead of us, but God has been soooo good and he is doing really really well! For pictures and updates, you can check my sister's blog.

I'm headed down to Charleston tomorrow to spend next week there - being with Brian and staying with Abby. Although I'm not looking forward to seeing that precious child in the hospital, I am looking forward to the time with my family. And I'll be glad to be there - it made more sense for my mom to take this week and me to take next week to be down there, but it was very hard for me to not be there the day of the actual surgery. We expect him to come home mid-week next week and be back to normal as soon as he is released!

Today

What a loooooong day. This waiting for Brian's surgery is hard.

So my landlords royally ticked me off today. Royally. I was as rude to them as I have ever been (intentionally) to anyone. Anyway. It's been pouring down rain for ages and ages and ages. I was so frustrated that I went running. In the rain. For 4 miles. It helped somewhat.

Then I realized - wow. I didn't want to nap. I didn't want to eat. I wanted to run. When did that happen? When did I become one of "those" people? I never ever ever in a million years thought that I would. I love sleeping - and eating - too much. But it was the right thing for me today. Although I'm not sure that it would have been as satisfying if it had been sunny.

I also went bathing suit shopping today - *blech* That's never fun. Even after losing 140 pounds. It was actually harder, I think. Before there was no expectation of looking good. It was "find one that fits and covers a lot and just go with it" But now....there's still a lot to cover and I'm not "looking good". It's just hard. But I got one that I ordered from Land's End that I think I'll keep and I'll keep looking for a second one. I love love love to swim, so I'm not going to let the fact that I look ridiculous in a bathing suit stop me :)

I also bought a cute little summer halter dress - at Express, no less. We'll see if it makes it to the "keep" pile. I'm loving summer dresses right now!

National Champions!!!!!

I can't believe I haven't mentioned this yet -

UNC won the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!

WOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!

There are no words to convey my excitement :) It was a great, great, great season. I'm going to miss Hansbrough, Lawson, Ellington, Green, et. al. but I know we'll continue to be great. I had so much fun watching them this year. I held off on ordering any new UNC gear until I could order National Championship stuff and it paid off! I have two shirts (size medium ;) ) that proudly declare UNC the 2009 National Champions!

I even got Abby in on the excitement...

GO HEELS!!!!!

My sweet babies!

I spent my Spring Break ....guess. I bet you can't. In Charleston! My babies are beyond cute, just so you know. Here are some pics from my trip:













I had a great time. Abby is just talking all the time. You never know what's going to come out of that child's mouth. My sister said the other day, while she thought Abby had been playing quietly, Abby walked over and informed her that she was a "beautiful angel" and that she "drank Mommy's Diet Coke very carefully". She had Diet Coke all down her front at this point :) While I was down there, I was on the computer (frequently - I'm a facebook addict) and she climbed up in my lap and said "I want to look at Facebook" Um, I may spend too much time there. Another time I was on the computer and she said "I'm a big girl" I didn't respond, so she said "I said, I'm a big girl, Sarah!" Oops. Sorry, Abs. Yes, you are, in fact, a big girl. :) My mom was playing trains with her in Lynchburg and she got up to get something so Abby said "Bebe, please sit down". That girl knows what she wants!

Brian got his third haircut this week. That child has UNBELIEVABLE hair. He is scheduled to have surgery to repair the hole in his sweet little heart next Thursday, May 7, so that's something I've been praying about frequently. The week after that, while he's still in the hospital, I took the whole week off to go down there to be with him and help with Abby. My mom is going down the week of surgery. He and Abby are so cute together - they love each other so much!

Yes, I realize that these are not my children. Still. I love them so much!

Where have I been?

Ok, I know. It's been a long time. There's been a lot going on. I haven't really talked about it very much, but I think it's time for me to go ahead and at least write about it. I feel a little weird - ok, more than a little weird, I'm petrified - about putting all of this out there, but I'm doing it for two reasons - one is for me, to help me process and to help me have a record of my journey. The second is for anyone else out there who is considering or has had the surgery - I want to be honest with you about my experiences. Not to say that everyone's experience is the same. But if you're interested in my story, I want you to hear it all - the good and the bad. So here comes a big 'ole batch of honesty. Probably more than you ever wanted.

I know - have always known - that this surgery is not a magic cure for anything. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't make you into a different person. But knowing that in my head and really believing it are two different things. I've struggled with depression for a long time - I've been on and off medication; in and out of counseling. I've never really wanted to deal with it, so I've dealt with it as little as possible. Truly I thought that it was just because I was fat. (When the really fat guy in Austin Powers says "I eat because I'm unhappy. And I'm unhappy because I eat." I always tear up even though it's Austin Powers. Because that's how I felt.)

So when it came back about two months ago, it knocked me flat on my back.

And come back it did. It felt like an actual, literal, weight pressing down on me at all times. It makes normal life extremely difficult. Without really being able to explain it, I just have a hard time making it through each day. It's hard for me to work up the motivation or the energy to get things done and bouts of sadness will hit me out of nowhere so I just want to find a corner to curl up and cry. (Interestingly enough - and I use the word "interesting" very loosely here - I rarely actually do cry. Or if I do, for more than a minute. I used to cry a lot. I think I used up all of my tears) But because I am my mother's daughter through and through, I fake a smile and force myself to interact with people and be social.

Some other thoughts that are frequently in my head right now:

- I feel nothing but fat. Fat, fat, fat. In my head, I know that's ridiculous. That after losing 140 pounds, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to go shopping and pick up a pair of size 12 pants. 6 months ago I would have told you that I would be. A year ago, when I was barely squeezing into my size 24s, I would not have even imagined that it was possible. But now - all I see is the smaller sizes on the racks. I still have a lot of fat and loose skin all over me and I hate it. Even in pictures, I still look like the fat girl. I have rolls of belly fat, enormous calves, and saggy arms. It's not a pretty picture.

- Still no one wants to date me. No one has so much as asked me out to dinner. Which is forcing me to confront the idea that it wasn't the fat that made me undate-able - it was just me.

- My eating habits are seriously slipping. I find myself eating more and more throughout the day and I hate myself for it. It's the same pattern I was in before surgery - I'm not hungry, I don't want it, I know I'll be upset if I eat it, but I can't seem to stop myself.

Now here's the thing. This feels like one big pity party for Sarah and, in many ways, it is. But it also feels like I'm just digging for compliments and I truly am not. (They don't really make me feel better anyway because it feels like people are saying it b/c they have to in response to my whining) It also feels like I have no right to say/feel this way because of how blessed I have been to have gone through this surgery.

I don't know for sure if these are typical post-WLS feelings or not, but I feel like they probably are. I did start seeing a counselor, but I haven't been back in a while. I'm working up the courage to go back. I'm spending a lot of time praying, which to be honest, involves a lot of me yelling at God. But he's big enough to handle it. I've considered going back on medication, and that may end up being a good choice for me. It's very hard for me to want to even deal with this, but I'm fighting.

So, there it is - honest, sappy confessions by Sarah. Now that I've put that out there, I hope to get back to more regular blogging. There's a lot going on out there in the world just waiting for me to comment on it. :)