Living in Bethany

I was excited about going to church today. Last time I went (two weeks ago - I was in Charleston last week) was my SS class cookout and I had such a good time getting to know people. So I knew that today I would have friends there and be able to chat with people. I got all dressed up in this cute dress I borrowed from my cute sister (black with big white dots - shades of Pretty Woman) and headed off.

Steve Shelby, our pastor, always writes a little letter at the front of the bulletin to help prepare us for the service. He has been preaching lately on the miracles of Jesus, and he is spending a few weeks on the raising of Lazarus from the dead (see John 11:1-43, although today's text was only verses 1-5) Here was today's letter:

Dear Friends,
Do you live in Bethany? What I mean by that is, do you live in a place of suffering and waiting? Have you sent word to Jesus and you are waiting for Him to show?

Does living in Bethany cause you to doubt the love of Jesus for you and others? Imagine the sadness and dismay of Mary and Martha as they waited for Jesus to come and watched their brother sicken and die.

Ultimately Jesus wins and His love is powerfully and gloriously demonstrated but not before there are a lot of tears in Bethany.

Warmly,
Steve

As I read that, I knew that the sermon was going to be directed at me today. Because that letter describes me. Sometimes it seems like I'm missing my life while waiting for it to start - waiting for the weight to come off, to meet a husband, to buy a house. And, yes, I feel sadness and dismay and it can make me doubt Jesus' love. But Lazarus' story has a happy ending. Not as soon as they hoped, but a happy ending nonetheless. So I was eager to hear this sermon about how we suffer through waiting, but ultimately receive a happy ending. I've waited 30 years! So I was sure that the point of today's sermon was to tell me that, in 1 year, 3 months, and 12 days, I will be skinny and living in a house with a wonderful husband.

Normally the sermon is not my favorite part of the service (AH! Sacrilege!) The singing is. I love praise and worship songs. At West End, we sing a lot of praise and worship songs throughout the service. It's one of the things I love about my church.

Here's how church actually went today:

• People did not come running up to me begging to be my friend. I know you find this hard to believe, but it's true. I did say hello to one or two people, but left pretty quickly after the service.

• The sermon was not about waiting. It was about suffering and how Jesus calls us to suffer. Lazarus' mission was to suffer and die. At no point did he say, "Jesus asks you to suffer but then he fixes it" It was just, "Jesus works through our suffering." Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

• I didn't know any of the songs today, and I didn't like them either. The one I did know they sang the verses at about 1/10th the appropriate speed and butchered the chorus. It was more painful than listening to 20 kindergarteners count to 100 one at a time.

Now we come to the point in the story where I tell you the valuable lesson that I learned in all of this. I'm not there yet. Here's what I know:

God's plans are not my plans.

Deep, huh? But that's all I've got. I'm still struggling with being ok with that. I want so badly to have a little sit-down with God and explain to him how much better it would be if I could live my life by my plan. I'm just so sure that I could convince him! It's something I've struggled with for a long, long time. I've prayed about it and read books about it and I can't seem to move on. So there it is. That's how Satan works on me. It's going to take a power stronger than me to overcome him. I love Frank Peretti's book This Present Darkness. If you haven't read it, it's about spiritual warfare in a very concrete way - that there are angels and demons all around us, and the angels protecting us get stronger with prayer. It's an image that I love and that inspires me to pray through my struggles.

I have a new favorite song that goes along with this - Empty Me by Chris Sligh (of American Idol fame). Check it out if you get a chance.